Pour yourself into my life...
... I am listening
Tuesday 15 July 2008
Thursday 10 July 2008
Changes...
Today I had a total blast from the past. A guy I used to go to school with & was in some of my classes years ago found my bebo page & added me. I havn't actually seen him at all since he left school after fourth year (age 16) so it's about 4 years ago.
I went to look at his profile & discovered that he has three kids!! In four years he has moved to the south of England & had three children. So while looking around his profile I saw he had already found a few other people we used to go to school with that I havn't seen in just as long. Turns out, a lot of them have kids aswell!! Another girl has three, a few have two & a good few more are on their first. A bunch more that don't have kids are either engaged or married... All this scares the heck out of me!!
Seeing that they all have so much responsibilities like partners & children makes me feel so immature & irresponsible. Also unfocused. I'm not attached to anyone, but I like it that way. I have no children & am well aware of the fact that I'm too selfish to even contemplate that, but I also think I'm too young. Clearly being only 19 (even thought I'm too close to 20 for comfort) doesn't make you too young for serious, lifechanging responsibility. I feel irresponsible because I only have to take care of myself & I can't even get THAT right half the time. It seems crazy that people my age can be so happy with those choices and know that this is exactly what they want and that it's all they've ever wanted.
The guy in question with the three children, he used to be an absolute nightmare back in the day!! I was one of the geeks & I wanted to learn, so it really annoyed me that the rest of the class could never get to learn all of the intended lessons because of him and a few others who would be cheeky to the teachers and generally waste time messing about. Needless to say we never got along. He was mean to me a lot but especially when I told him to shut up & pay attention, well, in words to that effect. Luckily for me, I was not one to take what he said seriously & let it run off like water off a duck's back, but there were those that he really upset on almost a daily basis.
Now however, after just one conversation with him it's clear he is most definatley not the same little twirp he used to be. Having kids has made him mature beyond belief. All the old quibbles are like water under the bridge & he was able to add me and talk to me without either of us worrying that the other held a grudge.
I always knew that things would turn out like that when everyone left school. A few years down the line & it's like greeting old friends.
Another girl that used to bully me terribly served me drinks at a bar not too long ago & even that was ok. Well, not ok that she bullied me but we were able to have a small-talk chat with no anger or resentment towards one another whatsoever. This could possibly be again because i never let what she did or said really get to me, but I think a lot of it has to do with time.
Time passes & people move. Like a river's flow it never ends but one thing that will never change is a memory of younger days. The memories may still be there but the people have changed. Everyone form years gone by already seems so different.
One problem is, I don't think I've really changed at all. I have no extra responsibilities, I'm still careless with money becuase I'm used to having everything. Not quite everything I suppose but I never wanted for anything that I needed or the majority of the luxuries that I just wanted for the sake of having them.
All these people in four short years have found themselves. They've found themselves in other people, whether it be in their partners or their offspring, they all seem happy that they've become complete, they've risen to the challanges set forth for them & they've battled through to be where they are. They're happy.
If I knew what I wanted from life it would be a start.
"Something has changed within me,
something is not the same.
I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game.
Too late for second guessing,
Too late to go back to sleep,
It's time to trust my instinct,
close my eyes & leap.
I'm through accepting limits because someone says they're so.
Some things I cannot change but till I try I'll never know.
Too long I'v been afraid of losing love,
I guess I've lost.
Well if that's love, it comes at much too high a cost..."
Not all of that is relevant but I got carried away singing it & just kept typing. Following my instincts is a good plan in theory but I'm so used to just floating along through life without having to try for anything that I'm actually wondering if I know how. It may seem odd but I guess if I try to change I may land up failing. I don't want to change who I am but more, pick a direction to follow. Not knowing where my life is going has scared me for years but it's becoming even more intense as time passes because at the end of the summer I'll be in the third year of my degree. I have four years to do if I want honours, which I do, but two years is not a long time at all to decide who I want to be.
A BA (Hons) in Publishing with Journalism... What am I going to be with that? I landed up in this degree because I didn't know what I wanted to do & because I've always been good with English as a subject but I still have never found a path lying before me. Laying it myself seems a very daunting prospect. Is it that I don't want to grow up? Or is it that I'm too afraid of change? I'd like things to stay the way they are, when all my friends are together (almost) & everyone still has time for one another. I'm afraid of losing the people closest to me & I know it's up to us to keep the connections there when we all move on but sometimes it isn't always possible.
Maybe it's a combination of both. The whole process of moving on form university & becoming a "real adult" but also moving on from all the friends I've so long held so dear.
Everyone picks their paths. I just don't want to travel mine alone. Too sentimental for my own good I think. Will I ever be able to accept responsibility for others? Will I ever be able to accept responsibility for myself? If in becoming responsible I lose myself in the process, will I even notice? Or is that the sacrifice we have to make to grow up & become a fully fledged member of the tax paying society?
Ugh, taxes. There's another thing. I don't feel I'm even old enough to be able to pay taxes. If I hadn't been a student I'd have been paying them already for almost 4 years.
I don't see that I've changed much over the last few years. Maybe a little more confident & vainer but I don't see how that's a good thing. I don't think I've changed much, but I wonder how much everyone else thinks I've changed.
A lot can change in 4 years. People. Situations. Locations. Attitudes. I wonder if the memories will ever change. I wonder if they aready have...
I went to look at his profile & discovered that he has three kids!! In four years he has moved to the south of England & had three children. So while looking around his profile I saw he had already found a few other people we used to go to school with that I havn't seen in just as long. Turns out, a lot of them have kids aswell!! Another girl has three, a few have two & a good few more are on their first. A bunch more that don't have kids are either engaged or married... All this scares the heck out of me!!
Seeing that they all have so much responsibilities like partners & children makes me feel so immature & irresponsible. Also unfocused. I'm not attached to anyone, but I like it that way. I have no children & am well aware of the fact that I'm too selfish to even contemplate that, but I also think I'm too young. Clearly being only 19 (even thought I'm too close to 20 for comfort) doesn't make you too young for serious, lifechanging responsibility. I feel irresponsible because I only have to take care of myself & I can't even get THAT right half the time. It seems crazy that people my age can be so happy with those choices and know that this is exactly what they want and that it's all they've ever wanted.
The guy in question with the three children, he used to be an absolute nightmare back in the day!! I was one of the geeks & I wanted to learn, so it really annoyed me that the rest of the class could never get to learn all of the intended lessons because of him and a few others who would be cheeky to the teachers and generally waste time messing about. Needless to say we never got along. He was mean to me a lot but especially when I told him to shut up & pay attention, well, in words to that effect. Luckily for me, I was not one to take what he said seriously & let it run off like water off a duck's back, but there were those that he really upset on almost a daily basis.
Now however, after just one conversation with him it's clear he is most definatley not the same little twirp he used to be. Having kids has made him mature beyond belief. All the old quibbles are like water under the bridge & he was able to add me and talk to me without either of us worrying that the other held a grudge.
I always knew that things would turn out like that when everyone left school. A few years down the line & it's like greeting old friends.
Another girl that used to bully me terribly served me drinks at a bar not too long ago & even that was ok. Well, not ok that she bullied me but we were able to have a small-talk chat with no anger or resentment towards one another whatsoever. This could possibly be again because i never let what she did or said really get to me, but I think a lot of it has to do with time.
Time passes & people move. Like a river's flow it never ends but one thing that will never change is a memory of younger days. The memories may still be there but the people have changed. Everyone form years gone by already seems so different.
One problem is, I don't think I've really changed at all. I have no extra responsibilities, I'm still careless with money becuase I'm used to having everything. Not quite everything I suppose but I never wanted for anything that I needed or the majority of the luxuries that I just wanted for the sake of having them.
All these people in four short years have found themselves. They've found themselves in other people, whether it be in their partners or their offspring, they all seem happy that they've become complete, they've risen to the challanges set forth for them & they've battled through to be where they are. They're happy.
If I knew what I wanted from life it would be a start.
"Something has changed within me,
something is not the same.
I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game.
Too late for second guessing,
Too late to go back to sleep,
It's time to trust my instinct,
close my eyes & leap.
I'm through accepting limits because someone says they're so.
Some things I cannot change but till I try I'll never know.
Too long I'v been afraid of losing love,
I guess I've lost.
Well if that's love, it comes at much too high a cost..."
Not all of that is relevant but I got carried away singing it & just kept typing. Following my instincts is a good plan in theory but I'm so used to just floating along through life without having to try for anything that I'm actually wondering if I know how. It may seem odd but I guess if I try to change I may land up failing. I don't want to change who I am but more, pick a direction to follow. Not knowing where my life is going has scared me for years but it's becoming even more intense as time passes because at the end of the summer I'll be in the third year of my degree. I have four years to do if I want honours, which I do, but two years is not a long time at all to decide who I want to be.
A BA (Hons) in Publishing with Journalism... What am I going to be with that? I landed up in this degree because I didn't know what I wanted to do & because I've always been good with English as a subject but I still have never found a path lying before me. Laying it myself seems a very daunting prospect. Is it that I don't want to grow up? Or is it that I'm too afraid of change? I'd like things to stay the way they are, when all my friends are together (almost) & everyone still has time for one another. I'm afraid of losing the people closest to me & I know it's up to us to keep the connections there when we all move on but sometimes it isn't always possible.
Maybe it's a combination of both. The whole process of moving on form university & becoming a "real adult" but also moving on from all the friends I've so long held so dear.
Everyone picks their paths. I just don't want to travel mine alone. Too sentimental for my own good I think. Will I ever be able to accept responsibility for others? Will I ever be able to accept responsibility for myself? If in becoming responsible I lose myself in the process, will I even notice? Or is that the sacrifice we have to make to grow up & become a fully fledged member of the tax paying society?
Ugh, taxes. There's another thing. I don't feel I'm even old enough to be able to pay taxes. If I hadn't been a student I'd have been paying them already for almost 4 years.
I don't see that I've changed much over the last few years. Maybe a little more confident & vainer but I don't see how that's a good thing. I don't think I've changed much, but I wonder how much everyone else thinks I've changed.
A lot can change in 4 years. People. Situations. Locations. Attitudes. I wonder if the memories will ever change. I wonder if they aready have...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)