Wednesday 20 August 2008
Tuesday 15 July 2008
Thursday 10 July 2008
Changes...
Today I had a total blast from the past. A guy I used to go to school with & was in some of my classes years ago found my bebo page & added me. I havn't actually seen him at all since he left school after fourth year (age 16) so it's about 4 years ago.
I went to look at his profile & discovered that he has three kids!! In four years he has moved to the south of England & had three children. So while looking around his profile I saw he had already found a few other people we used to go to school with that I havn't seen in just as long. Turns out, a lot of them have kids aswell!! Another girl has three, a few have two & a good few more are on their first. A bunch more that don't have kids are either engaged or married... All this scares the heck out of me!!
Seeing that they all have so much responsibilities like partners & children makes me feel so immature & irresponsible. Also unfocused. I'm not attached to anyone, but I like it that way. I have no children & am well aware of the fact that I'm too selfish to even contemplate that, but I also think I'm too young. Clearly being only 19 (even thought I'm too close to 20 for comfort) doesn't make you too young for serious, lifechanging responsibility. I feel irresponsible because I only have to take care of myself & I can't even get THAT right half the time. It seems crazy that people my age can be so happy with those choices and know that this is exactly what they want and that it's all they've ever wanted.
The guy in question with the three children, he used to be an absolute nightmare back in the day!! I was one of the geeks & I wanted to learn, so it really annoyed me that the rest of the class could never get to learn all of the intended lessons because of him and a few others who would be cheeky to the teachers and generally waste time messing about. Needless to say we never got along. He was mean to me a lot but especially when I told him to shut up & pay attention, well, in words to that effect. Luckily for me, I was not one to take what he said seriously & let it run off like water off a duck's back, but there were those that he really upset on almost a daily basis.
Now however, after just one conversation with him it's clear he is most definatley not the same little twirp he used to be. Having kids has made him mature beyond belief. All the old quibbles are like water under the bridge & he was able to add me and talk to me without either of us worrying that the other held a grudge.
I always knew that things would turn out like that when everyone left school. A few years down the line & it's like greeting old friends.
Another girl that used to bully me terribly served me drinks at a bar not too long ago & even that was ok. Well, not ok that she bullied me but we were able to have a small-talk chat with no anger or resentment towards one another whatsoever. This could possibly be again because i never let what she did or said really get to me, but I think a lot of it has to do with time.
Time passes & people move. Like a river's flow it never ends but one thing that will never change is a memory of younger days. The memories may still be there but the people have changed. Everyone form years gone by already seems so different.
One problem is, I don't think I've really changed at all. I have no extra responsibilities, I'm still careless with money becuase I'm used to having everything. Not quite everything I suppose but I never wanted for anything that I needed or the majority of the luxuries that I just wanted for the sake of having them.
All these people in four short years have found themselves. They've found themselves in other people, whether it be in their partners or their offspring, they all seem happy that they've become complete, they've risen to the challanges set forth for them & they've battled through to be where they are. They're happy.
If I knew what I wanted from life it would be a start.
"Something has changed within me,
something is not the same.
I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game.
Too late for second guessing,
Too late to go back to sleep,
It's time to trust my instinct,
close my eyes & leap.
I'm through accepting limits because someone says they're so.
Some things I cannot change but till I try I'll never know.
Too long I'v been afraid of losing love,
I guess I've lost.
Well if that's love, it comes at much too high a cost..."
Not all of that is relevant but I got carried away singing it & just kept typing. Following my instincts is a good plan in theory but I'm so used to just floating along through life without having to try for anything that I'm actually wondering if I know how. It may seem odd but I guess if I try to change I may land up failing. I don't want to change who I am but more, pick a direction to follow. Not knowing where my life is going has scared me for years but it's becoming even more intense as time passes because at the end of the summer I'll be in the third year of my degree. I have four years to do if I want honours, which I do, but two years is not a long time at all to decide who I want to be.
A BA (Hons) in Publishing with Journalism... What am I going to be with that? I landed up in this degree because I didn't know what I wanted to do & because I've always been good with English as a subject but I still have never found a path lying before me. Laying it myself seems a very daunting prospect. Is it that I don't want to grow up? Or is it that I'm too afraid of change? I'd like things to stay the way they are, when all my friends are together (almost) & everyone still has time for one another. I'm afraid of losing the people closest to me & I know it's up to us to keep the connections there when we all move on but sometimes it isn't always possible.
Maybe it's a combination of both. The whole process of moving on form university & becoming a "real adult" but also moving on from all the friends I've so long held so dear.
Everyone picks their paths. I just don't want to travel mine alone. Too sentimental for my own good I think. Will I ever be able to accept responsibility for others? Will I ever be able to accept responsibility for myself? If in becoming responsible I lose myself in the process, will I even notice? Or is that the sacrifice we have to make to grow up & become a fully fledged member of the tax paying society?
Ugh, taxes. There's another thing. I don't feel I'm even old enough to be able to pay taxes. If I hadn't been a student I'd have been paying them already for almost 4 years.
I don't see that I've changed much over the last few years. Maybe a little more confident & vainer but I don't see how that's a good thing. I don't think I've changed much, but I wonder how much everyone else thinks I've changed.
A lot can change in 4 years. People. Situations. Locations. Attitudes. I wonder if the memories will ever change. I wonder if they aready have...
I went to look at his profile & discovered that he has three kids!! In four years he has moved to the south of England & had three children. So while looking around his profile I saw he had already found a few other people we used to go to school with that I havn't seen in just as long. Turns out, a lot of them have kids aswell!! Another girl has three, a few have two & a good few more are on their first. A bunch more that don't have kids are either engaged or married... All this scares the heck out of me!!
Seeing that they all have so much responsibilities like partners & children makes me feel so immature & irresponsible. Also unfocused. I'm not attached to anyone, but I like it that way. I have no children & am well aware of the fact that I'm too selfish to even contemplate that, but I also think I'm too young. Clearly being only 19 (even thought I'm too close to 20 for comfort) doesn't make you too young for serious, lifechanging responsibility. I feel irresponsible because I only have to take care of myself & I can't even get THAT right half the time. It seems crazy that people my age can be so happy with those choices and know that this is exactly what they want and that it's all they've ever wanted.
The guy in question with the three children, he used to be an absolute nightmare back in the day!! I was one of the geeks & I wanted to learn, so it really annoyed me that the rest of the class could never get to learn all of the intended lessons because of him and a few others who would be cheeky to the teachers and generally waste time messing about. Needless to say we never got along. He was mean to me a lot but especially when I told him to shut up & pay attention, well, in words to that effect. Luckily for me, I was not one to take what he said seriously & let it run off like water off a duck's back, but there were those that he really upset on almost a daily basis.
Now however, after just one conversation with him it's clear he is most definatley not the same little twirp he used to be. Having kids has made him mature beyond belief. All the old quibbles are like water under the bridge & he was able to add me and talk to me without either of us worrying that the other held a grudge.
I always knew that things would turn out like that when everyone left school. A few years down the line & it's like greeting old friends.
Another girl that used to bully me terribly served me drinks at a bar not too long ago & even that was ok. Well, not ok that she bullied me but we were able to have a small-talk chat with no anger or resentment towards one another whatsoever. This could possibly be again because i never let what she did or said really get to me, but I think a lot of it has to do with time.
Time passes & people move. Like a river's flow it never ends but one thing that will never change is a memory of younger days. The memories may still be there but the people have changed. Everyone form years gone by already seems so different.
One problem is, I don't think I've really changed at all. I have no extra responsibilities, I'm still careless with money becuase I'm used to having everything. Not quite everything I suppose but I never wanted for anything that I needed or the majority of the luxuries that I just wanted for the sake of having them.
All these people in four short years have found themselves. They've found themselves in other people, whether it be in their partners or their offspring, they all seem happy that they've become complete, they've risen to the challanges set forth for them & they've battled through to be where they are. They're happy.
If I knew what I wanted from life it would be a start.
"Something has changed within me,
something is not the same.
I'm through with playing by the rules of someone elses game.
Too late for second guessing,
Too late to go back to sleep,
It's time to trust my instinct,
close my eyes & leap.
I'm through accepting limits because someone says they're so.
Some things I cannot change but till I try I'll never know.
Too long I'v been afraid of losing love,
I guess I've lost.
Well if that's love, it comes at much too high a cost..."
Not all of that is relevant but I got carried away singing it & just kept typing. Following my instincts is a good plan in theory but I'm so used to just floating along through life without having to try for anything that I'm actually wondering if I know how. It may seem odd but I guess if I try to change I may land up failing. I don't want to change who I am but more, pick a direction to follow. Not knowing where my life is going has scared me for years but it's becoming even more intense as time passes because at the end of the summer I'll be in the third year of my degree. I have four years to do if I want honours, which I do, but two years is not a long time at all to decide who I want to be.
A BA (Hons) in Publishing with Journalism... What am I going to be with that? I landed up in this degree because I didn't know what I wanted to do & because I've always been good with English as a subject but I still have never found a path lying before me. Laying it myself seems a very daunting prospect. Is it that I don't want to grow up? Or is it that I'm too afraid of change? I'd like things to stay the way they are, when all my friends are together (almost) & everyone still has time for one another. I'm afraid of losing the people closest to me & I know it's up to us to keep the connections there when we all move on but sometimes it isn't always possible.
Maybe it's a combination of both. The whole process of moving on form university & becoming a "real adult" but also moving on from all the friends I've so long held so dear.
Everyone picks their paths. I just don't want to travel mine alone. Too sentimental for my own good I think. Will I ever be able to accept responsibility for others? Will I ever be able to accept responsibility for myself? If in becoming responsible I lose myself in the process, will I even notice? Or is that the sacrifice we have to make to grow up & become a fully fledged member of the tax paying society?
Ugh, taxes. There's another thing. I don't feel I'm even old enough to be able to pay taxes. If I hadn't been a student I'd have been paying them already for almost 4 years.
I don't see that I've changed much over the last few years. Maybe a little more confident & vainer but I don't see how that's a good thing. I don't think I've changed much, but I wonder how much everyone else thinks I've changed.
A lot can change in 4 years. People. Situations. Locations. Attitudes. I wonder if the memories will ever change. I wonder if they aready have...
Monday 23 June 2008
O...k...
So I think I lied to myself without meaning it there. I did have every intention of blogging last week... I just didn't get around to it. Like so many other things I always promise myself I'm going to do. Like learning Sanskrit or Japanese, or starting up my writing again. I always kid myself that I've been busy but busy doing what? Usually it's university & work & friends but I think that's a lie also because I never do uni work unless it's imperative, I only worked 2 evenings per week with 4 hours per evening making 8 a week & friends, well I suppose I'm not really lying there. I do tend to rarely be alone. But now, I think I've forgotten my point. Maybe that's the problem. I'm defective. Meh, terrible memory genes run in the family.
What makes a hero a hero? Is it winning all the time like Superman? Or is it taking on the task reluctantly, like spider-man? Is it learning, like the X-men did, that at any moment you might fall from grace & become the villain? Or, like Alan Moore's Rorschach, is it being human enough to enjoy watching people die, if they deserved it?
-Jodie Picoult
Kinda edited a little but just the tense. I keep finding myself thinking about heroes lately. Not so much thinking about all the old comic book heroes in capes and costumes but just every day heroes. The average Jo's that don't know what hit them till they're flat on their backs.
I was also wondering who my own heroes are and if I actually have any in particular or if I just tend to admire people for their actions & achievements. Probably a bit of both. The thing is, I'm not sure if my mother would classify as a hero or if that's just adoration for the woman who gave me life & kept me here (sometimes reluctantly, I'm a pest). It's like "Wicked" says; "Are people born wicked? Or do they have wickedness thrust upon them?" Can the same be said for heroes?
A lot of people see people in bands or films as their heroes because they aspire to be like them, but if they're stepping on everyone possible & taking questionable actions to get where they want to be, do they have the right to be called heroes? I suppose the beauty in heroism is that under it all they're all still human... Kind of anyway. They all have their flaws & they all have their pasts.
I think I finally came to the conclusion that I don't have any heroes, I just have idols. There are people I idolise, not that I want to be them or be like them, but people I have a high respect for or think they are remarkable people. If I could be a fictional character I'd be Elphaba but from the musical other than the book. Life would be grand if it was all a musical. Well, I suppose it would definitely be a difficult life if you were green. But it would be fun sometimes. Being green. I've lost the plot again.
"There were some people who hit your life so hard, they left a stain on your future."
Definitely. And most of the time they don't even realise they've done it unless you've left a sizable smudge on them also. We're all impacted by the strangest things. Even though some of them should have no bearing on us whatsoever we choose to take heed, over-analyze, over-ponder and land up making a hole out of a molehill (which in my opinion is much worse than making a mountain from it).
Are people put into our lives to change us & vice-versa? In this respect, I believe in soul mates. Not as in there is one soul mate for everyone in the world but I think we all have many soul mates. They may come into our lives for years & stay there or they may only remain for a fleeting moment but each of them teaches us something new about ourselves, human life in general, or about the world. The lessons can be small & not make much of an impact or they can be foundation shakingly tremulous but either way they're still important in the shaping of who we are & who we're going to be.
It would be depressing if we only had one soul mate. You might make a mistake & perceive the wrong person to be your soul mate. If that were to happen you could land up missing the lesson(s) they were supposed to teach you because you found the wrong soul.
Who knew that when you cut a slit in the belly of the night sky, it bled colour? I love The Northern Lights. Unfortunately you don't get to see them too much around this time of year, it's mostly in winter when the air's crisper & the sky is completely clear. "A riot of colour in a dreary world." I don't remember where that quote comes from so I'm just going to reference it as ibid!!
Stars though, everyone says that stars are special. I understand that they can be interpreted as heavenly because they rest in the heavens etc etc, but at no point in time since their creation have they been rare. Yes they may be other-worldly but, like diamonds, I refuse to believe that stars are rare. Someone told me that I was like a star because I was hard to find. Stars are only hard to find in the day time but at night they can be found by almost anyone that can turn their heads to the sky.
Not sure why I'm on a spiel about stars. I'm actually very fond of stars. I just don't think they're rare.
See, I think if I blogged more often & focused on one topic of mind that these things would make more sense & I'd be able to have better titles than just "Hmm..." & "O...k...". But then I suppose by the time it came to blog again all my thoughts would have been stored away or forgotten to make room for the new ones taking up residence in my current lobe of ponderment. The only way of ensuring they all get on here is to write them all down... Which would be pointless because that's what the blog is for; writing down thoughts. Well, in my case it is. Might help me discern some sense from it all. In this case, doubtful. Too long to bother with reading over enough times to make sense when i could be reading the words of great writers instead.
War is like a playground fight: if you start it, you're to blame, and you can't really complain about what happens afterwards. I'm not really at war with anyone, I just like those words arranged that way because they make sense. Simple childish theory... I tend to miss it a lot. Like, do dogs know they're naked? Simple, but you never take time to think about those things when you get older. When the world keeps speeding up to turn much faster than you'd have liked to believe it could.
When children say they know everything (as I remember doing many a time myself) I think they're right. They know everything their present world allows them to know. Isn't that the basis for knowing everything? I know the saying about half of being wise is knowing that you know nothing but maybe once upon a time we knew everything we needed to know & growing up & growing older made us forget what we needed to know to make room for the things we thought we wanted to know. Maybe we used to be wise & now we strive to be something we can't be again because we already made the decision to erase it. I miss the innocent wisdom.
I don't mind getting wet. It's not so bad outside, especially if you're dressed for it but, most people don't dress for rain indoors. Silly people. (More childish theory... Sort of.)
Scotland's weather. Saturday was sunny. Sunday brought torrents of rain. Monday can't decide what it wants to be but on more than one occasion I've had my brolly (umbrella) up then about a minute & a half later I've had to put on my sunglasses. On other occasions, it's been both.
That's one good thing about living in this part of the world. Not the four seasons in one day, but learning that the rain can come any day and at any time so always be prepared. But then again, if you're always prepared for rain, the chances are you're going to miss out on a whole lot of sunshine.
Meh, being a red-head I can do without too much sunshine!! Well, literal sunshine anyway. I like snow best... But that's another point. The discovery that some of the most beautiful things in life are cold. I'm quite partial to ice sculptures. Never quite understood the technique of sculpting, let alone sculpting in ice so it always fascinates me how people can envision their creation in ice or stone or whatever, sand, & just sculpt it. A round of applause to anyone with the talent to sculpt.
Aah!! Is that a tangent I see?!
Sizeable enough a blog for now? I think so!! I've also used "I think" quite a bit in this blog. I've just been typing continuously & hardly noticing what I'm ACTUALLY writing & I'm sure if I read it back I'll find it's absoloute rubbish. One of my problems is that I think too fast &/or type too slow. Before I'm finished typing up one point, my head's already onto the next point & my hands have no option but to follow suit. Or maybe it's a technology thing... I come from a line of technophobes. I strongly dislike the hoover. Not the task of hoovering, just the hoover. It likes to break when I attempt to use it & it's fine when someone else trys it. Sod's law. I'm not jinxed, I'm just clumsy. Spacial awareness isn't so hot either.
Oh looky, another tangent. I'm just nae cool haha!! Oh well, at least I never claimed to be. Ok, I think I'm done now...
But remember, no matter how hard you try, you can't fall off the floor.
Jpxxx
P.s. Maybe if I write it in here it may help; I'm on the job hunt for over the summer & am praying for a response to at least one of the thirty or so CV's that I've handed out. This is my version of a blogging fingers-crossed!! >_<
P.p.s. Monday has decided to be, for the majority of the time, sunny.
What makes a hero a hero? Is it winning all the time like Superman? Or is it taking on the task reluctantly, like spider-man? Is it learning, like the X-men did, that at any moment you might fall from grace & become the villain? Or, like Alan Moore's Rorschach, is it being human enough to enjoy watching people die, if they deserved it?
-Jodie Picoult
Kinda edited a little but just the tense. I keep finding myself thinking about heroes lately. Not so much thinking about all the old comic book heroes in capes and costumes but just every day heroes. The average Jo's that don't know what hit them till they're flat on their backs.
I was also wondering who my own heroes are and if I actually have any in particular or if I just tend to admire people for their actions & achievements. Probably a bit of both. The thing is, I'm not sure if my mother would classify as a hero or if that's just adoration for the woman who gave me life & kept me here (sometimes reluctantly, I'm a pest). It's like "Wicked" says; "Are people born wicked? Or do they have wickedness thrust upon them?" Can the same be said for heroes?
A lot of people see people in bands or films as their heroes because they aspire to be like them, but if they're stepping on everyone possible & taking questionable actions to get where they want to be, do they have the right to be called heroes? I suppose the beauty in heroism is that under it all they're all still human... Kind of anyway. They all have their flaws & they all have their pasts.
I think I finally came to the conclusion that I don't have any heroes, I just have idols. There are people I idolise, not that I want to be them or be like them, but people I have a high respect for or think they are remarkable people. If I could be a fictional character I'd be Elphaba but from the musical other than the book. Life would be grand if it was all a musical. Well, I suppose it would definitely be a difficult life if you were green. But it would be fun sometimes. Being green. I've lost the plot again.
"There were some people who hit your life so hard, they left a stain on your future."
Definitely. And most of the time they don't even realise they've done it unless you've left a sizable smudge on them also. We're all impacted by the strangest things. Even though some of them should have no bearing on us whatsoever we choose to take heed, over-analyze, over-ponder and land up making a hole out of a molehill (which in my opinion is much worse than making a mountain from it).
Are people put into our lives to change us & vice-versa? In this respect, I believe in soul mates. Not as in there is one soul mate for everyone in the world but I think we all have many soul mates. They may come into our lives for years & stay there or they may only remain for a fleeting moment but each of them teaches us something new about ourselves, human life in general, or about the world. The lessons can be small & not make much of an impact or they can be foundation shakingly tremulous but either way they're still important in the shaping of who we are & who we're going to be.
It would be depressing if we only had one soul mate. You might make a mistake & perceive the wrong person to be your soul mate. If that were to happen you could land up missing the lesson(s) they were supposed to teach you because you found the wrong soul.
Who knew that when you cut a slit in the belly of the night sky, it bled colour? I love The Northern Lights. Unfortunately you don't get to see them too much around this time of year, it's mostly in winter when the air's crisper & the sky is completely clear. "A riot of colour in a dreary world." I don't remember where that quote comes from so I'm just going to reference it as ibid!!
Stars though, everyone says that stars are special. I understand that they can be interpreted as heavenly because they rest in the heavens etc etc, but at no point in time since their creation have they been rare. Yes they may be other-worldly but, like diamonds, I refuse to believe that stars are rare. Someone told me that I was like a star because I was hard to find. Stars are only hard to find in the day time but at night they can be found by almost anyone that can turn their heads to the sky.
Not sure why I'm on a spiel about stars. I'm actually very fond of stars. I just don't think they're rare.
See, I think if I blogged more often & focused on one topic of mind that these things would make more sense & I'd be able to have better titles than just "Hmm..." & "O...k...". But then I suppose by the time it came to blog again all my thoughts would have been stored away or forgotten to make room for the new ones taking up residence in my current lobe of ponderment. The only way of ensuring they all get on here is to write them all down... Which would be pointless because that's what the blog is for; writing down thoughts. Well, in my case it is. Might help me discern some sense from it all. In this case, doubtful. Too long to bother with reading over enough times to make sense when i could be reading the words of great writers instead.
War is like a playground fight: if you start it, you're to blame, and you can't really complain about what happens afterwards. I'm not really at war with anyone, I just like those words arranged that way because they make sense. Simple childish theory... I tend to miss it a lot. Like, do dogs know they're naked? Simple, but you never take time to think about those things when you get older. When the world keeps speeding up to turn much faster than you'd have liked to believe it could.
When children say they know everything (as I remember doing many a time myself) I think they're right. They know everything their present world allows them to know. Isn't that the basis for knowing everything? I know the saying about half of being wise is knowing that you know nothing but maybe once upon a time we knew everything we needed to know & growing up & growing older made us forget what we needed to know to make room for the things we thought we wanted to know. Maybe we used to be wise & now we strive to be something we can't be again because we already made the decision to erase it. I miss the innocent wisdom.
I don't mind getting wet. It's not so bad outside, especially if you're dressed for it but, most people don't dress for rain indoors. Silly people. (More childish theory... Sort of.)
Scotland's weather. Saturday was sunny. Sunday brought torrents of rain. Monday can't decide what it wants to be but on more than one occasion I've had my brolly (umbrella) up then about a minute & a half later I've had to put on my sunglasses. On other occasions, it's been both.
That's one good thing about living in this part of the world. Not the four seasons in one day, but learning that the rain can come any day and at any time so always be prepared. But then again, if you're always prepared for rain, the chances are you're going to miss out on a whole lot of sunshine.
Meh, being a red-head I can do without too much sunshine!! Well, literal sunshine anyway. I like snow best... But that's another point. The discovery that some of the most beautiful things in life are cold. I'm quite partial to ice sculptures. Never quite understood the technique of sculpting, let alone sculpting in ice so it always fascinates me how people can envision their creation in ice or stone or whatever, sand, & just sculpt it. A round of applause to anyone with the talent to sculpt.
Aah!! Is that a tangent I see?!
Sizeable enough a blog for now? I think so!! I've also used "I think" quite a bit in this blog. I've just been typing continuously & hardly noticing what I'm ACTUALLY writing & I'm sure if I read it back I'll find it's absoloute rubbish. One of my problems is that I think too fast &/or type too slow. Before I'm finished typing up one point, my head's already onto the next point & my hands have no option but to follow suit. Or maybe it's a technology thing... I come from a line of technophobes. I strongly dislike the hoover. Not the task of hoovering, just the hoover. It likes to break when I attempt to use it & it's fine when someone else trys it. Sod's law. I'm not jinxed, I'm just clumsy. Spacial awareness isn't so hot either.
Oh looky, another tangent. I'm just nae cool haha!! Oh well, at least I never claimed to be. Ok, I think I'm done now...
But remember, no matter how hard you try, you can't fall off the floor.
Jpxxx
P.s. Maybe if I write it in here it may help; I'm on the job hunt for over the summer & am praying for a response to at least one of the thirty or so CV's that I've handed out. This is my version of a blogging fingers-crossed!! >_<
P.p.s. Monday has decided to be, for the majority of the time, sunny.
Friday 20 June 2008
I'm Terrible...
At this whole blog caper!! A post to be posted later thisevening, I promise. After I clear out my wardrobe... Has to be done *sad face*.
Jpxxx
Jpxxx
Monday 31 March 2008
More Schpiel...
GAH!! I haven't posted anything since JANUARY!! Three months since my last post & I have done so much it would be impossible to get all of it down here. Someone once said; "It's the good girls that keep diaries. The bad girls never have the time." Whoever that was, was a very wise person!! Except, I don't think I qualify as bad... Just busy!! I think I would rather be out living a life I'll remember than one I have to write down to remember anyway really so, meh, can't technically complain about not blogging lately.
"The hand of Vengance found the bed
To which the Purple Tyrant fled
The iron hand crushed the Tyrants head
And became a tyrant in his stead"
Power. Is it possible that people can be governed by just one person? Though we live in a democracy, isn't it just one person or a finite pannel of people that control what happens to everyone in the country anyway? Can true democracy really exist without chaos? I've never understood how it can exist. Fair enough, we vote for who we want to be in charge and make all the major decisions about the country, but just because you vote for someone does not instantly make all their views the same as yours, nor does it mean that they are guaranteeing to hold up their end of the bargin. Politics surround everything we do. Including "political correctness", which I hate. Where there is power there can be no love.
Recently an uncle of mine became depressed & had to be institutionalised. After the 9/11 tragedy, he lost a lot of money in the stock market. It was bound to happen but he continued to invest & overall he lost something like £1.2 million. This was a horrible thing to happen but I really don't understand why he's depressed. He has his family, his health, he's still a wealthy man who hasn't had to work for a number of years & he's only 48. When there are so many people in the world with so much worse happening to them, it almost makes me angry that because he has lost (ok, it's a fair whack of money but,) money he doesn't even need. It's only money!! He has 3 daughters who are all 21 & over, two are married & one is engaged, they're all working so he doesn't have to support them, just himself & his wife. Materialistic wants are now a sad way of life but a way of life nonetheless. I would say I guess he's just going to have to adjust but, really, he doesn't need to. His lifestyle could remain intact for the rest of his life.
Why do people have to want for so much money? All anyone really needs is enough to live on. Some measure of financial security in this economically fluctuating world is very handy but when you start haggling & bartering & geting depressed about an excess of money you don't even need, even for that extra security blanket, then isn't it time to say "enough is enough"?
Next thought...
"Little Fly
Thy summers play,
My thoughtless hand
Had brush'd away.
Am not I
A fly like thee?
Or art not thou
A fly like me?
For I dance
And drink & sing;
Till some blind hand
Shall brush my wing.
If thought is life
And strength & breath;
And the want
Of thought is death;
Then am I
A happy fly,
If I live,
Or if I die."
-William Blake
The man was a genius. The Fly is one of my favourites by Blake, though I have many. It's one of my favourites because no matter what he intended it to literally mean, in my mind, it reminds me that every creature has life that should be valued. None should be more valued than another, even spiders, that people tend to squish a lot.
Every one of God's creatures is here for a reason (though I've never understood the purpose of headlice =S) & each one deserves it's rightful chance to live. Whether it be 80 years or merely a day, each one should be lived to its full until its rightful time to end.
On that rather sombre final note, I shall end with this... There's nothing quite like opening a book that won't let you put it down. So that's what I'm off to do ^_^ Hopefully I won't neglect this bloggy for too long now that I've come back to my senses!!
Jpxxx
"The hand of Vengance found the bed
To which the Purple Tyrant fled
The iron hand crushed the Tyrants head
And became a tyrant in his stead"
Power. Is it possible that people can be governed by just one person? Though we live in a democracy, isn't it just one person or a finite pannel of people that control what happens to everyone in the country anyway? Can true democracy really exist without chaos? I've never understood how it can exist. Fair enough, we vote for who we want to be in charge and make all the major decisions about the country, but just because you vote for someone does not instantly make all their views the same as yours, nor does it mean that they are guaranteeing to hold up their end of the bargin. Politics surround everything we do. Including "political correctness", which I hate. Where there is power there can be no love.
Recently an uncle of mine became depressed & had to be institutionalised. After the 9/11 tragedy, he lost a lot of money in the stock market. It was bound to happen but he continued to invest & overall he lost something like £1.2 million. This was a horrible thing to happen but I really don't understand why he's depressed. He has his family, his health, he's still a wealthy man who hasn't had to work for a number of years & he's only 48. When there are so many people in the world with so much worse happening to them, it almost makes me angry that because he has lost (ok, it's a fair whack of money but,) money he doesn't even need. It's only money!! He has 3 daughters who are all 21 & over, two are married & one is engaged, they're all working so he doesn't have to support them, just himself & his wife. Materialistic wants are now a sad way of life but a way of life nonetheless. I would say I guess he's just going to have to adjust but, really, he doesn't need to. His lifestyle could remain intact for the rest of his life.
Why do people have to want for so much money? All anyone really needs is enough to live on. Some measure of financial security in this economically fluctuating world is very handy but when you start haggling & bartering & geting depressed about an excess of money you don't even need, even for that extra security blanket, then isn't it time to say "enough is enough"?
Next thought...
"Little Fly
Thy summers play,
My thoughtless hand
Had brush'd away.
Am not I
A fly like thee?
Or art not thou
A fly like me?
For I dance
And drink & sing;
Till some blind hand
Shall brush my wing.
If thought is life
And strength & breath;
And the want
Of thought is death;
Then am I
A happy fly,
If I live,
Or if I die."
-William Blake
The man was a genius. The Fly is one of my favourites by Blake, though I have many. It's one of my favourites because no matter what he intended it to literally mean, in my mind, it reminds me that every creature has life that should be valued. None should be more valued than another, even spiders, that people tend to squish a lot.
Every one of God's creatures is here for a reason (though I've never understood the purpose of headlice =S) & each one deserves it's rightful chance to live. Whether it be 80 years or merely a day, each one should be lived to its full until its rightful time to end.
On that rather sombre final note, I shall end with this... There's nothing quite like opening a book that won't let you put it down. So that's what I'm off to do ^_^ Hopefully I won't neglect this bloggy for too long now that I've come back to my senses!!
Jpxxx
Tuesday 1 January 2008
The Book Of Lost Things
The book is so amazing I could not believe I was reading it. What John Connelly says makes so much sense & it is the plain & simple truth that is rarely uttered in such a profound manner.
The Crooked Man has come, with his mocking smile & his enigmatic words...
"The Crooked Man's face contorted as he forced the word out. His lips cracked and a little blood trickled from the wound, for he only had a little time left to shed.
'Listen to me,' he said. 'Let me tell you the truth about the world to which you so desperately want to return. It is a place of pain & suffering & grief. When you left it, cities were being attacked. Women & children were being blasted to pieces or burned alive by bombs dropped from planes flown by men with wives & children of their own. People were being dragged from their homes & shot in the street. Your world is tearing itself apart, and the most amusing thing of all is that it was little better before the war started. War merely gives people an excuse to indulge themselves further, to murder with impunity. There were wars before it, and there will be wars after it, and in between people will still fight one another & hurt one another & maim one another, because that is what they have always done.
'And even if you do avoid warfare & violent death, little boy, what else do you think life has in store for you? You have already seen what it is capable of doing. It took your mother from you, drained her of health & beauty & then cast her aside like the withered, rotten husk of a fruit. It will take others from you too, mark me. Those whom you care about- lovers, children- will fall by the wayside, and your love will not be enough to save them. Your health will fail you. You will become old & sick. Your limbs will ache, your eyesight will fade, and your skin will grow lined & aged. There will be pains deep within you that no doctor will be able to cure. Diseases will find a warm, moist place inside you & there they will breed, spreading through your system, corrupting it cell by cell until you will pray for the doctors to let you die, to put you out of your misery, but they will not. Instead, you will linger on, with no one to hold your hand or soothe your brow, as Death comes and beckons you into his darkness. The life you left behind is no life at all. Here you can be king, and I shall allow you to age with dignity & without pain, and when the time comes for you to die, I will send you gently to sleep and you will awaken in the paradise of your choosing, for each man dreams his own heaven..."
A-mazing!! Not just creepy but creepily real.
Jpxxx
The Crooked Man has come, with his mocking smile & his enigmatic words...
"The Crooked Man's face contorted as he forced the word out. His lips cracked and a little blood trickled from the wound, for he only had a little time left to shed.
'Listen to me,' he said. 'Let me tell you the truth about the world to which you so desperately want to return. It is a place of pain & suffering & grief. When you left it, cities were being attacked. Women & children were being blasted to pieces or burned alive by bombs dropped from planes flown by men with wives & children of their own. People were being dragged from their homes & shot in the street. Your world is tearing itself apart, and the most amusing thing of all is that it was little better before the war started. War merely gives people an excuse to indulge themselves further, to murder with impunity. There were wars before it, and there will be wars after it, and in between people will still fight one another & hurt one another & maim one another, because that is what they have always done.
'And even if you do avoid warfare & violent death, little boy, what else do you think life has in store for you? You have already seen what it is capable of doing. It took your mother from you, drained her of health & beauty & then cast her aside like the withered, rotten husk of a fruit. It will take others from you too, mark me. Those whom you care about- lovers, children- will fall by the wayside, and your love will not be enough to save them. Your health will fail you. You will become old & sick. Your limbs will ache, your eyesight will fade, and your skin will grow lined & aged. There will be pains deep within you that no doctor will be able to cure. Diseases will find a warm, moist place inside you & there they will breed, spreading through your system, corrupting it cell by cell until you will pray for the doctors to let you die, to put you out of your misery, but they will not. Instead, you will linger on, with no one to hold your hand or soothe your brow, as Death comes and beckons you into his darkness. The life you left behind is no life at all. Here you can be king, and I shall allow you to age with dignity & without pain, and when the time comes for you to die, I will send you gently to sleep and you will awaken in the paradise of your choosing, for each man dreams his own heaven..."
A-mazing!! Not just creepy but creepily real.
Jpxxx
Another New Year...
Another new year and what will it bring? The chances are a lot of headaches and agro dealt out due to the demanding student life I now lead and the ever omnipresence of over-protective parents, shall be a virtual certainty.
Also very likely for 2008; new opportunities, chances to take, moments to hold on to & swear never to release, moments I wish would pass (like the impending January exams), the annual making & breaking of new year's resolutions (oops), and becoming one step closer to gain the access to change the world. Maybe a little optimistic but really, it is better to be!!
I don't know why but I feel like I'm going to grow up a lot this year. An odd thing to have a feeling about but I feel like I am outgrowing certain aspects of my life (which I have felt since the age of about 12, except that now I am old enough and (possibly) mature enough to handle. I've always had a big streak in me that is determined not to grow up, partly because children laugh on average 43 times a day whereas adults average 7, partly because being an adult is greatly associated with having a serious demeanour and being boring, but mostly because children have such a fantastic optimism. I never want to lose the simplisticly beautiful thinking every child is blessed with. An unrelenting faith that things can be made better and anything is possible if you want it enough. I never want to feel like i can't achieve something because it's going to be hard to do.
"There's no promise of safety with these second hand wings, but I'm willing to find out what impossible means. I'll climb through the heavens on feathers and dreams because the melting point of wax means nothing to me."
That song inspires me no end. It really does make me believe I can fly higher than Iccarus without falling. Hopefully, I will. I do worry that it has been shown that even angels fall but i guess the main blessing of being a human being is that no matter how hard you try, you can't fall off the floor!!
And here goes the philisophical part of my brain kicking in. i can only get so far through writing anything before it feels like it's becoming deeper than it was intended. Suppose I really broke that in that last part up there...
I think part of my problem (other than my general over-use of ellipsis) is I don't want to know everything about certain things, I want to know everything about everything. I just want knowledge. Wisdom I shall gain through experience and age but for now, knowledge can assist me on my way to the river leading to wisdom.
Many people, including the other three members of the household I am currently inhabiting (to my frustration), seem to be quite content floating along, never to revel in the enigmatic occurrences that lead to their being or even ponder about every day things like religion, war, general philosophies that tend to govern every-day life without their realisation. I don't understand it & it gets to me!! I don't understand how these things just never cross people's minds. It's hard for me to get to sleep at night because there are so many thoughts fighting their way to the surface of my brain it feels like I'll never have time to think them all or be able to draw irrefutable conclusions to anything that forces it's way into my line of thought.
My head doesn't only feel like it's in the clouds. It feels like it's floating, semi-conscious between the colour & the grey of two seemingly real & imaginary worlds... all the time. In the past my school teachers always claimed I was never paying attention and that my mind was always somewhere else. Most of them also claimed i would fail their subjects if I didn't "Buck up my attitude" & "Stop graffiting my folders". Unfortunatly for those school teachers I (to blow my own trumpet) excelled naturally in school with the minimal effort you might expect from someone who had no aspirations for their life other than to leave school asap & do as little as possible for the rest of their "life".
Being accused frequently as being an overly angsty teen that could do better in school really didn't batter my resolve the way they hoped it would. I still hold the same ideals as I did back then though my opinions and views are slightly better informed than they were back then.
Money. I hate the stuff. But I still spend it. I still need it & all of the commercial trappings it brings. This year I am resolute to work as hard as I can & save the money I earn for the things I really need (like food and clothes but without excess) and the things that really matter to me.
This resolution will hopefully assist me in my future goal of changing the world. I have been heckled for wanting to make the world a better place. I'm only me. What can I do? The answer, a lot more than they think I can.
Like th song says; "I want to be a millionaire some day & know what it's like to give it away." I don't understand why people think money in those ammounts changes the beings it is bestowed upon. To be fair, most people would change. Dreams of grandure & flamboyance have been the downfall of the personalities of many average joes in the world. When there are millions around the world without the food & water they need, it feels so wrong to indulge in excess. I want to do so much work to help the world in as soon as possible but I couldn't give up my mobile phone or laptop computer or ipod. Every day without fail my ipod is plugged into my ears bringing me the best music ever created (listen to The Smiths... It's good for your soul) from the Beatles to The Who I don't believe I am a strong enough person to say "Ok, I'll give up my ipod." It isn't a "need", it's a "want" (though I would very much debate that!!) but it is a "want" I cannot go anywhere without. Out of the two i think I'd rather lose my phone than my ipod because a phone can be supplanted by email or myspace or bebo, basically computers, but my ipod... *sigh*, strange men tend to talk to me on the bus which is very disconcerting for me, I would say in large part due to the aforementioned history in the post before this.
I may still fall victim to some of the ideals of the modern western society (like feeling I can't breathe without my fix of coffee, newspapers & music) but does that mean I can't help make others as well as I should if I give up buying newspapers (says the publishing with journalism student!!) every day?
I know I'm not the only one who feels change is needed but I need to find more of my fellow big hearted people who just want to make a difference. Another major problem I have is that my heart is bigger than my wallet. I want to do so much to help but this usually requires money (the evil stuff) one way or another. I can't wait till I can afford to spend money and as much time as possible helping others but for now, I'm a student, who is as of yet, unable to escape the small town life... but soon...
I'm going to stop this post here because I'm rather tired and am evidently rambling now & my spelling, atrocious as it usually is, appears to be getting worse!!
Jpxxx
Also very likely for 2008; new opportunities, chances to take, moments to hold on to & swear never to release, moments I wish would pass (like the impending January exams), the annual making & breaking of new year's resolutions (oops), and becoming one step closer to gain the access to change the world. Maybe a little optimistic but really, it is better to be!!
I don't know why but I feel like I'm going to grow up a lot this year. An odd thing to have a feeling about but I feel like I am outgrowing certain aspects of my life (which I have felt since the age of about 12, except that now I am old enough and (possibly) mature enough to handle. I've always had a big streak in me that is determined not to grow up, partly because children laugh on average 43 times a day whereas adults average 7, partly because being an adult is greatly associated with having a serious demeanour and being boring, but mostly because children have such a fantastic optimism. I never want to lose the simplisticly beautiful thinking every child is blessed with. An unrelenting faith that things can be made better and anything is possible if you want it enough. I never want to feel like i can't achieve something because it's going to be hard to do.
"There's no promise of safety with these second hand wings, but I'm willing to find out what impossible means. I'll climb through the heavens on feathers and dreams because the melting point of wax means nothing to me."
That song inspires me no end. It really does make me believe I can fly higher than Iccarus without falling. Hopefully, I will. I do worry that it has been shown that even angels fall but i guess the main blessing of being a human being is that no matter how hard you try, you can't fall off the floor!!
And here goes the philisophical part of my brain kicking in. i can only get so far through writing anything before it feels like it's becoming deeper than it was intended. Suppose I really broke that in that last part up there...
I think part of my problem (other than my general over-use of ellipsis) is I don't want to know everything about certain things, I want to know everything about everything. I just want knowledge. Wisdom I shall gain through experience and age but for now, knowledge can assist me on my way to the river leading to wisdom.
Many people, including the other three members of the household I am currently inhabiting (to my frustration), seem to be quite content floating along, never to revel in the enigmatic occurrences that lead to their being or even ponder about every day things like religion, war, general philosophies that tend to govern every-day life without their realisation. I don't understand it & it gets to me!! I don't understand how these things just never cross people's minds. It's hard for me to get to sleep at night because there are so many thoughts fighting their way to the surface of my brain it feels like I'll never have time to think them all or be able to draw irrefutable conclusions to anything that forces it's way into my line of thought.
My head doesn't only feel like it's in the clouds. It feels like it's floating, semi-conscious between the colour & the grey of two seemingly real & imaginary worlds... all the time. In the past my school teachers always claimed I was never paying attention and that my mind was always somewhere else. Most of them also claimed i would fail their subjects if I didn't "Buck up my attitude" & "Stop graffiting my folders". Unfortunatly for those school teachers I (to blow my own trumpet) excelled naturally in school with the minimal effort you might expect from someone who had no aspirations for their life other than to leave school asap & do as little as possible for the rest of their "life".
Being accused frequently as being an overly angsty teen that could do better in school really didn't batter my resolve the way they hoped it would. I still hold the same ideals as I did back then though my opinions and views are slightly better informed than they were back then.
Money. I hate the stuff. But I still spend it. I still need it & all of the commercial trappings it brings. This year I am resolute to work as hard as I can & save the money I earn for the things I really need (like food and clothes but without excess) and the things that really matter to me.
This resolution will hopefully assist me in my future goal of changing the world. I have been heckled for wanting to make the world a better place. I'm only me. What can I do? The answer, a lot more than they think I can.
Like th song says; "I want to be a millionaire some day & know what it's like to give it away." I don't understand why people think money in those ammounts changes the beings it is bestowed upon. To be fair, most people would change. Dreams of grandure & flamboyance have been the downfall of the personalities of many average joes in the world. When there are millions around the world without the food & water they need, it feels so wrong to indulge in excess. I want to do so much work to help the world in as soon as possible but I couldn't give up my mobile phone or laptop computer or ipod. Every day without fail my ipod is plugged into my ears bringing me the best music ever created (listen to The Smiths... It's good for your soul) from the Beatles to The Who I don't believe I am a strong enough person to say "Ok, I'll give up my ipod." It isn't a "need", it's a "want" (though I would very much debate that!!) but it is a "want" I cannot go anywhere without. Out of the two i think I'd rather lose my phone than my ipod because a phone can be supplanted by email or myspace or bebo, basically computers, but my ipod... *sigh*, strange men tend to talk to me on the bus which is very disconcerting for me, I would say in large part due to the aforementioned history in the post before this.
I may still fall victim to some of the ideals of the modern western society (like feeling I can't breathe without my fix of coffee, newspapers & music) but does that mean I can't help make others as well as I should if I give up buying newspapers (says the publishing with journalism student!!) every day?
I know I'm not the only one who feels change is needed but I need to find more of my fellow big hearted people who just want to make a difference. Another major problem I have is that my heart is bigger than my wallet. I want to do so much to help but this usually requires money (the evil stuff) one way or another. I can't wait till I can afford to spend money and as much time as possible helping others but for now, I'm a student, who is as of yet, unable to escape the small town life... but soon...
I'm going to stop this post here because I'm rather tired and am evidently rambling now & my spelling, atrocious as it usually is, appears to be getting worse!!
Jpxxx
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)